So, really it should be easy to fix.
I should just go to bed earlier. Only problem with going to bed earlier is this: I have to stay up until all hours to get my "me" time in after everything else is done. The summer months are a little easier since there isn't any practices my children have to attend and no school functions and no homework and tests to study for but generally I stay up after the kids go to bed to do things around the house, paint something, or empty out my DVR and catch up on my favorite shows. Since my children don't go to bed until around 9:00 or after (mainly after) you can imagine that I am up until at LEAST midnight just so I can have time to do a couple of things and
OR, I could get up earlier....but there is that pesky little detail again: I LOVE MY SLEEP! I have tried the whole getting up earlier thing and I found this: I just find more things to do! I will run a load of dishes or a load of clothes. I actually found myself dusting once! So, it doesn't really serve the purpose I want it to, which is to be able to make our mornings more leisurely and less hectic, it honestly only intensifies them and so then I decided...I would rather just sleep if they are going to be hectic anyway.
I am a working mother. I LOVE my job and it affords as much time off as I need and since I work for a University, the campus is closed all the days my children's schools are closed. In fact, the campus is closed more days than my children are actually out of school during some extended break times. Anyway, back on topic. I love working. Especially since my children are in school. I am able to contribute to my household and provide them with the things that they need and want to do and throw in some fun things in between. They are in school for EIGHT hours a day and I work EIGHT hours a day PLUS I am able to be at any function they choose for me to be involved in so I think it works for me. Except on days like today.
Because I work, I do have a certain time that I am expected to be in my office. Because I have posted office hours and students rely on me to be here... I
Once at daycare it can go one of two ways. One: He is clinging to my arm and/or my legs and won't let me go and I am telling him that I will be back soon and that I love him and he will have fun, etc. Two: He hates me. He hates the air I breathe. Heck, he even hates the air he breathes. In order to "keep it real" I am going to tell what happened this morning although it made me cry real big tears when I got back in my car to head to work.
We pulled up to the drop off canopy and I grabbed his fruit loops and strawberries and got out to open his door. As I opened his door I asked him to get his nap mat out and that is when I realized that he hadn't buckled his seat belt. Not.His.Fault. I should have checked. I normally ask and check but he is so independent now and when I ask he gets ill about it ...that and like I said... I was in a hurry and everything was too hectic and if I am being honest (which I am) I will just tell you : I forgot. I said, "SAM! You didn't buckle your seat belt this morning! You can't forget that. You always have to wear your seat belt so you will be safe". He started to tell me he forgot and all the whys to it as he just sat there in the backseat. I cut him off. I hate myself for this. I said, "Sam, could we talk and walk at the same time. I am late. I need to hurry up" . Definitely the low point of my morning. (Luckily I have done much worse in my ten years as a parent so it isn't the low point of parenting...THIS post was definitely my low point in parenting) I felt so terrible. I felt really BAD that I had just basically shushed my child from talking to me. Even now...it makes my heart and stomach hurt. It was just us. No other distractions to cause me to need to ask him to hush or wait a minute until it was his turn to talk. Nope. Just us and I totally blew it. I tried to lighten the mood and asked him to tell me what he was trying to say as we walked inside but he just got tears in his eyes and crossed his arms (OK, definitely feeling like runner up to low point in parenting at this moment). We walked down the hall and he wouldn't walk beside me. He just got near the wall and ran his hand down it. Seeing that in my mind now make me literally have tears in my eyes. I asked him what was wrong. He just looked at me. Not nicely. I totally deserved it. He didn't say a word. And, I didn't need him to. I knew exactly what was wrong. I just crushed his spirit. We entered his room and I put his breakfast down on the table and swung around to him standing beside me and kneeled down and
I felt TERRIBLE all the way to work. I realize that he probably isn't even thinking about this right now. He is over it and (hopefully) will be glad to see me this afternoon. But this kind of thing weighs on a momma. I love my kids more than anything BUT I am human. I make mistakes. I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things, I act the wrong way, and sometimes I have the wrong attitude.
I started praying about it and the Lord (faithful that He is) began speaking to me. He told me that I better be glad He doesn't parent me the way I just parented my Sam. Which is true. God lingers and doesn't rush or force anything. That kind of stung but I know it is right. I began feeling like a big fat failure as a mom. I thought about how much my kids will probably grow up to hate me because of this...now, that is the enemy talking. The Lord quickly shut him up and reminded me that if my children didn't love me and didn't want to be around me that it wouldn't have bothered us (Sam and myself) so badly about what happened this morning.
I know that all moms have these "bad mommy moments" where you wish you could just go back and re-do that. This definitely makes the list. We try to continue our day but all we can think about is getting our kid and hugging them and telling them we are sorry and how much we love them.
It is a lesson learned. Hopefully I can be more diligent in making our morning smoother and less hectic. I know there are going to be "those" days but I surely hope they are far and few between.