.....I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roam through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame im looking through
Seems to have no concern for me now
So for now
I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown.....
I feel like I am always busy, on the go, rushing, in a hurry to get here or there, running late, and missing out. My biggest fear is that I wake up tomorrow and my babies are grown up and gone and I just held on for dear life as our lives went by way too quickly. I feel like life's "To Do List" is growing longer and longer and the only way to get through all of the things that MUST be done is to rush through most of them.
I began thinking of the day Kobe was born and how much love I never knew was in me just suddenly came out. I began thinking of crying as I watched him sleep in his crib while I played my favorite lullaby, Edelweiss, because it is the one my mom had sang to me. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying because I loved him so much and had no idea how much another person could love someone else, especially someone I had just met. I remember putting on his rain boots when he was about three and watching him run,skip, play and fall (on purpose) in the mud puddles when it was raining one day. I remember certain days just riding down the road singing our favorite songs together and thinking fondly of those moments each and every time I hear those songs. I thought of things he used to say, such as "lasterday" for yesterday and how he used to tell me, "it's just me and you kid!". When it was just us two, I used to tell him that all the time and one day he picked up on it and started saying it to me!
I began thinking back to when I met John. The night it began snowing and we had no idea it was going to and we got "snowed in" at his house in Tuscumbia. Neither of us were prepared. No gloves for the children,no dinner to cook and most importantly... no milk! I remember earlier in the day Haley and I went and rented movies which was our every Saturday ritual at the time (that was before Redbox and Netflix). It began snowing on our way out of Movie Gallery and we ran through the parking lot laughing. We had no idea it was really going to snow. Later when we realized that it was really pouring out of the sky, John and I put several pair of socks on each child's hands for mittens and we went out and played in the snow. I remember the kids being fascinated by John's snakes (Fluffy and Spike) and using an old horse trailer as a "hiding place" during hide and seek. Later, John left me and the kids there while he ventured out for Chinese take out and milk. When he got back we had a "fancy" dine in night and it was the *best* night I believe we ever had out there in Tuscumbia.
I began thinking of the day I told my parents John and I were getting married. My dad said, "I knew ya'll would!" I remember our wedding and laughing because our wedding had started and we had no idea... we didn't care all we knew is we were ready to be married. I remember looking around and thinking of how complete my life was. I had John, Kobe, Callum, and Haley. I couldn't imagine needing anything else. Everything was so right in my world.
I thought of the day we went and got my Buster Bean! I thought of him riding in the back of our car home from Gatlinburg and sleeping in Kobe's lap. Kobe was so proud to have that little puppy, and so was I!
I began thinking of John buying me a dragonfly wind chime to put in our baby's room before we even knew for sure that I was pregnant with Samuel. I thought of how John carefully painted and fixed Samuel's nursery with such precision and thoughtfulness. I thought of how proud he was when he showed it to me. I thought of the day I met my sweet Samuel. Who knew I could love another child so unconditionally? I had just met him, and all I could think of is how I ever lived without him. I remembered crying, sobbing really that night in the hospital and John rushing to my side to find out what was wrong. Nothing. I was just so completely happy and whole. I just loved Sam so much. I thought of his sweet little hands, feet, his monkey gown and his pacifiers. I thought of his love to me and John. He is a daddy's boy but he loves his mommy too! I thought of him singing his little songs he makes up, being a rock star, a "fighter man", Buzz Lightyear, and a puppy dog! I thought of him saying things like, "basagna", how everyday is Saturday to him. How he reminds us every single meal to say our blessing. How he "defends" me against the bad guys and uses Chief like a step stool. I thought of how peaceful and sweet he is when he sleeps and how he still wants me to hold him and hold his hand when he goes to sleep. I thought of how he loves to be my little helper without being asked.
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years
I thought about this morning when I woke up. I thought of feeling safe and secure and loved. I thought of what a hard worker and an unselfish giver John is to our family. I thought of Callum eating his breakfast at the table and helping getting things in the house "ready/picked up" before we leave for school and work in the morning. I thought of Kobe knocking on the bathroom door just to say "Good Morning" to me this morning and when I opened the door and saw him he just smiled! I thought of how peaceful Samuel was sleeping. I thought of how I wish I hadn't gotten so aggrevated about the muddy, wet dogs... afterall... it is simply dirt and water. I thought about saying good bye to Callum and Kobe and how they both looked back at me and smiled as I told them "Bye, I love you!". I thought of the big hug and wink Samuel gave me before I left him this morning. It was strange, these things had happened only minutes earlier yet they seemed so far away.
Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I thought of all this and felt so much love in my heart but also a little bit of sadness because I realize it is going by all too quickly. I look forward to all the new memories we will make and share in the future and the love we will give to each other.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
I am so thankful for my memories and blessings to come. I really hope that this year I can take the time to slow down and if we miss something, oh well! If I am five minutes late because I chose to read Sam a book, oh well! If I miss out on doing laundry because I wanted to
Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future. ~Gail Lumet Buckley